Wednesday, August 18, 2010

My Open Letter to ABC: Why? Why Did You Let Ethan and Maya Murder Song and Dance?

Dear PTB (Powers That Be) at ABC,
I have been a faithful viewer of General Hospital and other select programming on your station for many years. As a loyal viewer, I have grown accustomed to what I thought was now a standard in television entertainment--the disclaimer at the beginning of a show that it may contain material that some would deem objectionable, offensive or otherwise difficult to watch.

You can imagine my surprise, then, when I sat down to watch today's episode of General Hospital, and without the benefit of such a cautionary disclaimer, was horrified by the sight of this on my television screen:


It all started out innocently enough: Maya, Ethan and Johnny gathered at Jake's, a place that we General Hospital viewers have grown to associate with all that is good in the world--liquor, frivolity, laughter, karaoke, Coleman. In other words this is our happy place. Sure, Maya's a buzz kill on a good day, but we've learned to overlook her, especially when we now know that wherever Ethan and Johnny are, wacky hijacks are bound to ensue. Even when Johnny left, I figured we'd have a minute or two of tedious Mayan flirting, which would afford me plenty of time to grab the laundry out of the dryer, and then be back in time for, say, smores at Windamere or Lisa giving Patrick the crazy eye. Now this doesn't look like an image that is about to take a very, very ugly turn, does it ABC?



Oh, but an ugly turn it did. It's all a little hazy as I cope with the post-traumatic stress, but I seem to recall Maya ordering Ethan to dance with her. Music started to play. Strange Enya-like music. And they started moving. In slow motion. My God, mothers watch this show. Children could have been present.

My eyes teared and burned. I think I heard myself call out, "No! Stop!" but I was frozen in my shock and disbelief, and couldn't move my arm to reach for the remote. I remember many of the onlookers at Jake's laughing. How could they be so cold? How could they laugh at such a terrible display of ... of ... humanity?! Not to mention, really bad, stiff, awkward dancing set to music that should only be playing if I'm getting a facial and a pedicure. I remember Maxie laughing ...

And some random woman at the bar was laughing. This byatch must have ice water in her veins, because she not only laughed, she couldn't even be bothered to put her beer bottle down to try to stop this two-stepping massacre.

The only person depicted on screen who even came close to mimicking the disgust that I'm sure was felt en masse by the viewing audience was this brave gentleman, who I was certain was just seconds away from breaking the whole thing up and snatching up the last 5 minutes of that JetBlue flight attendant's fame as our next American folk hero. But perhaps underneath that rugged exterior, he was as paralyzed with fear as I was ...

But dare I say the worst was yet to come. Yes, ABC, it got worse. And there was General Hospital to glorify the entire unsightly mess with "artistic" camera angles and lighting. Mob violence is one thing, but really ABC, have you no shame?


I've flushed my eyes out with cold water and popped a Xanax, but what about the damage on the inside, ABC? I implore you to rethink your broadcasting standards and, at the very least, warn your viewing audience before airing such graphic material of a couple with no chemistry murdering our timeless arts of song and dance.

Losing my dinner,
Dawn Decker

9 comments:

Eleven said...

Thank you, Dawn, for reliving that horror so that we may laugh our asses off!

Anonymous said...

OMG! I have read this 4 times today and every single time I laugh my ass off! Believe me, I felt the pain too, Lawd that was horrible!

Dimplesfan
(Michelle)

Dawn Decker said...

Thank you so much, ladies! I'm so happy you enjoyed the post :) It's that last screen shot that gets me every time ... haha ...

Anonymous said...

I think I love you. I feel like I need to bleach my eyes out after that horror. I love Ethan, but she makes him intolerable, which is sad, because I don't want to have to fast forward the pretty and cuteness that is Ethan. He is a different, unrecognizable, unpleasant-to-watch person when he is with her. Thanks, Guza! Sigh. Too bad. Anyway, thanks for the laugh! I am keeping this and will refer to it frequently as long as this travesty continues in order get me through until they both move on. Thanks!

Dottie said...

OMG...that was one of the funniest things I've read lately about GH and their idea of a "couple". Please, there is NO chemistry between Ethan and Maya. It was horrifying and I NEVER want to see it again!!
Take care Dawn and get well soon :=)

PartyatJakes said...

This was a classic -- one of my favorite posts to date! I love the screen shots!

Kelly said...

That was truly awesome. Thank you so much for capturing the pure horror and laughter of this terrible couple and attempt at romance/dancing.Loved the extras!

Dawn Decker said...

Thanks again for all the great comments on this post!! I have to say, I love Ethan and have been waiting for the longest time to see who he would be paired up with. It's so disappointing with Maya, because to me, it just seems so forced and awkward ... much like this dance sequence!

Anonymous said...

I happened on your post quite by accident and it's really not that entertaining. I'm betting all the positive responses were written by you to you. If you like Ethan why would you find him unpleasant to watch just cause he's in a pairing that you don't like? Oh well deal with it!