My Open Letter to ABC: Why? Why Did You Let Ethan and Maya Murder Song and Dance?

Dear PTB (Powers That Be) at ABC,
I have been a faithful viewer of General Hospital and other select programming on your station for many years. As a loyal viewer, I have grown accustomed to what I thought was now a standard in television entertainment--the disclaimer at the beginning of a show that it may contain material that some would deem objectionable, offensive or otherwise difficult to watch.

You can imagine my surprise, then, when I sat down to watch today's episode of General Hospital, and without the benefit of such a cautionary disclaimer, was horrified by the sight of this on my television screen:

Desperation Leads Brook and Lisa to Play With Pills

If there was a lesson in today's General Hospital, it's that desperate women and pharmaceuticals just don't mix. Brook, on the verge of a one-way ticket back to Bensonhurst and thisclose to cashing in big courtesy of Carly, continues to pump Dante with beer laced with pills as a sure way to get him into bed. Honestly, I was really uncomfortable watching this whole thing unfold, and if Coleman hadn't shown up when he did, I think I would have fast-forwarded through much of it. (I'm sorry, I simply cannot fast-forward through Coleman, no matter what kind of crazy is going on around him).

Welcome Hoe, Stone Cold!

Oh Spinelli, what has become of you? I really use to love this crazy kid, but the writers have made him very "one note" as of late. When he was still with Maxie, it was all about his inferiority complex. And now that Spixie are no more, it's all about his borderline creepy Stone Cold adoration. Take today for example--the squealing, the giggling, the jumping up and down when he received the news of Stone Cold's "loop hole departure" from Pentonville. Yes, I get that these two are BFFs, but what use to be a very endearing friendship that I very much enjoyed is now just odd and uncomfortable to watch. I joked on Twitter earlier that we may soon see Spinelli cutting up Jason and Sam's photos a la Lisa ... but it wouldn't be much of a stretch if it actually happened. I mean, did I mention the squealing ...

And the jumping ...

General Hospital Travels Back to the Present, Brings Brenda Along

Just in case you happened to miss a promo or ten on ABC, it was finally "B Day" on General Hospital today ... that's right, the big return of Brenda Barrett! As these much-hyped returns usually go, I didn't expect to see much of her today, figuring we'd catch a glimpse of her at the very end. And aside from various shots of the back of her head throughout the episode, that's exactly what we got.

Lucky Packs Up Aiden, Census Worker Costume and Heads for Home

After all these years of watching General Hospital, I should know by now just to abandon all logic before I sit down to watch an episode. But damn it if it doesn't make my head hurt each and every time I insist on trying to make a storyline mesh with reality. So let me get this straight: Lucky finds Karen and the missing baby Aiden across the country in Oregon. He calls no one--no back-up, no nothing. He goes somewhere to change into a census worker costume he just happens to have on hand (I know I always pack a suit, dark-rimmed glasses and a clipboard  when I go on a stake-out) just so he can get a better read on the situation. When that doesn't work and Karen throws him out, he goes back to the house, now dressed as Lucky The Cop, with a story about how the baby is really his and it was kidnapped and wrongly given to Karen by her son, Franco, aka Bobby.

Mayor Floyd Officially Declares It 'Crazy-Ass Monday' in Port Charles

So much for General Hospital easing us back into the week. Mayor Floyd must have officially declared it Crazy Ass Monday over in Port Chuck today, because we got insanity on all kinds of levels. I don't know what was crazier: Franco thinking that an appropriate way to "give back" to his mother was in the form of a stolen newborn, or his mother for actually getting on board with the whole thing! By the end of the episode, she had named him Pablo (a big improvement over Buzz ... just sayin') and was envisioning their new life in Oregon. Yes, Oregon. Apparently, the West Coast agreed with Franco and he's relocating his mother and little Pablo there.

The Best Part of Waking Up Is Tasting Patrick on His Coffee Cup

Neither of the YouTube channels I use to watch General Hospital were updated today, so unfortunately, no screen shots from the episode (and boy, do I love my screen shots). But I do have a few thoughts on the episode to share, sans the visuals ...

First, thank goodness today was a little more exciting than yesterday. And trust me, compared to the sleep-inducing hour that was yesterday's episode, watching Mike flip pancakes at Kelly's would have been more exciting. But who needs Mike and pancakes when you have Lisa acting about eight shades of crazy? I have to say, the wackier she gets, the more entertained I become. And suddenly Googling men I'm interested in doesn't seem quite so stalkerish when you compare it to molesting someone's coffee cup. I mean, really ... "I can taste you on this cup"?! Hey Shadybrook ... "Incoming!" Dr. Lisa Niles is coming at you like a torpedo! Start changing the linens and getting a room ready.

Post-Francofrenia: Today's General Hospital Brought to You by Ambien

I know we've had a lot of excitement in Port Charles lately--deadly performance art, a raging Warren Bauer, a stolen baby, a drag queen-rendition of "Mad World"--the list is endless. So we probably all need a little downtime in The Chuckles, right? But today's episode was so "down," it probably should have been sponsored by Ambien, because it nearly put me to sleep. And that was even with the supply closet sex!

Twitter Poll Results: Which General Hospital Character You (and Nancy Lee Grahn!) Want to Date

Earlier this month, I wrote a Guest Column for EyeonSoaps.net about the overabundance of single men in Port Charles these days. It just didn't seem right to me that men like Ethan Lovett, Lucky Spencer, Steve Webber, Matt Hunter and even Sonny Corinthos were wandering around our favorite fictional town without female companionship.

While I didn't want to just rehash what I said on EyeonSoaps.net here on my blog, I did want to find a way to celebrate on The Nurses Station the beautiful men of Port Charles who we're privileged to spend an hour with each weekday. I had written a previous blog post entitled "I Want to Go to a Concert in the Park With Lucky," and it got me thinking: Which General Hospital character would all of you want to go on a date with, and where would you go? So I took to Twitter to conduct my first informal General Hospital poll.

Lockdown!

In the wake of the disappearance of Baby Aiden Cassadine--or Buzz, as Liz would like him to be called--General Hospital is put on emergency lockdown. No one can enter or exit the building, and everyone must clear the hallways. And surprise, surprise, the cop assigned to the case is none other than Lucky--also known by the nursing staff as that guy who was peering through the blinds into the delivery room during Buzzby's birth.

The Buzz About Aiden Alexisomething Cassadine

So are they really going to call this kid Buzz? Because for the record, I'm not on board with that. Regardless, much to my boredom, little Buzzby dominated today's episode as we led up to his much anticipated, well, buzz-napping. (OK, I'll stop now. Or, at least, I'll try.)

I Want to Go to a Concert in the Park With Lucky

If you're a regular reader of my blog, you already know that I adore Jonathan Jackson's Lucky. And after what the poor man endured at the hands of his fiance and brother, I want nothing more than the handsome cop to find himself a good woman. Right now, it seems as if both Claire and Maxie have captured Officer Hottie's attention. I know I just said in yesterday's recap how much I enjoyed Lucky and Claire's scenes together at the PCPD, but today's scenes with Lucky and Maxie gave those some serious competition.

The Love Doctor Is in at Casa de Stone Cold

Our favorite furloughed prisoner, Jason Morgan, was in high demand on today's General Hospital. Essentially in exchange for letting a wanted serial killer drop off some Chinese food and casually stroll out the door, Sam got a night of some hot lovin' with Pentonville's finest. Hmm, I wonder what's hotter ... "conjugal visit" sex or "I let a serial killer go just to be with you" sex. I'm assuming the latter since the reunited couple even had to banish roomie Spinelli out of the penthouse for the night.

GH American Idol: Route 66 Is All About Song Selection, While Brook Is Pitchy (and Punchy) Dawg

I didn't watch yesterday's episode because I had to travel to New York City for work (just like Maxie, I attended the trendiest parties in high-fashion couture designed by Feddie ... not), so I may have missed a detail or two leading up to today's antics. And boy, were there antics. Jakes, Coleman and karaoke are like my GH trifecta, but why was this stranger in a fedora singing "Route 66"? Ah, just like Lulu piecing the whole complicated mystery together ("wait, so the mansion is on Road 66 and he sent Maxie 66 flowers ...") I knew my man Franco must be behind this little piece of performance art.

Mac Is Tan, Patrick Is Guilty, and Franco Continues to Monkey With Port Charles

It seemed like a rather dull day in The Chuckles, even though Franco and his army of toy monkeys did their best to spice things up. In the park, he kneeled beside Josslyn and taunted Jax for what seemed like a good five minutes before it dawned on Jax that a call to 911 might be appropriate when you're witnessing a psychopath stroking your baby daughter's forehead. Jax informs the operator that he's in the park with "Franco, the serial killer," to which the artist responds, "If you're going to throw around labels, I'm going to take my monkey and go," and disappears into the bushes. By the time Dante and Ronnie Domestico show up on the scene, Franco is long gone. But not to worry, dear citizens of Port Charles. Mac's going to get one of them there hel-ee-copters to look for Franco, "an eye in the sky," as Ronnie calls it. Gee, you think? Because you only have a wanted serial killer strolling around all over town in broad daylight. Maybe time to call in some reinforcements to back up lone officer Dante and an unarmed Jason.

Franco Gets His Kicks on Country Road 66

Franco moved into some new digs on Friday's episode of General Hospital, which we later found out is the old Lockland Mansion on Country Road 66--apparently a lucky number of sorts for the artist (he also gave Maxie 66 red roses). After clearing away some dead leaves and debris, Franco quickly set out to make the place his own with some high-end interior decorating, spray-painting his signature "CO77X" on the wall and propping up his assistant Leonardo (yes, he named the toy monkey and gave him a position in the Franco administration) on the mantle.

Did Today Mark the End of Spixie and Jolivia?

So much to talk about in Port Charles today. For starters, Maxie found herself kissing almost everyone except for poor non-husband Spinelli. I use to love this couple back in the day, but I'm thinking it's time to put a fork in them ... they're done. After spying Matt kissing Maxie on her couch, Spinelli quietly limped away, clearly a man defeated and no longer with an ounce of passion for anything that doesn't start with "Stone" and end in "Cold." As far as Matt's concerned, I'm not quite sure why he continues to be used by Maxie, when she's stated in very clear terms that that's exactly what she's doing in order to make the man she truly loves jealous, but obviously he sees something real beneath the surface of her scheming. But again, is Matt really going to fulfill Maxie's "bad boy" needs?

Franco May Be a Killer, But Bobby Frank Is Downright Dreamy

Hello my fellow GH fans! Tonight I'm catching up on yesterday's and today's episodes and will be back to my usual episode recap tomorrow. In the meantime, I leave you all with this:

Yours Truly Is on EyeonSoaps.net

Recently, I submitted a General Hospital Guest Column to one of my favorite soaps sites, EyeonSoaps.net, and today it was posted on the site! I'm very excited to have my thoughts posted along with so much other great commentary on ABC soaps.

My column, titled "Is Port Charles the New Alaska?", talks about how so many gorgeous, colorful male characters are languishing by their lonesome in our favorite fictional town. Click here to read the column--I would love to hear your thoughts on it!

While Fireworks May Have Exploded in Your Town, Bombs Exploded in Port Charles

While the rest of us were thinking about time off from work, BBQs with family and friends, and other 4th of July festivities, the residents of Port Charles had much more explosive issues on their minds than breaking out their lawn chairs for the local fireworks display. Kristina set out to put her mother of all daddy issues revenge plot into motion, arriving at Johnny's penthouse while the mob prince and Olivia were mid-Merlot.