Welcome to Bittertown. Population: Claire

Boy, did I pick the wrong day to set time aside for a GH recap. Even with two major characters returning to the Chuckles, there was very little in the way of action--unless you consider Max and Milo groping each other on Jason's couch as "action." (More on that later.)

Oh Claire, bitter does not look good on you, girl. Dumped by Sonny faster than you can say "what woman in Port Charles hasn't he taken to the island," she's channeling her hurt feelings back into that whole "I'm going to put Sonny away for life" nonsense. Yawn. Because that worked out so well the first time you tried it. And we all know, Claire, that you're just a homemade pasta dinner and a silk robe away from crying "conflict of interest" to your superiors again. But after finding Michael in Sonny's office, she threatens to report the parole violation and send Michael back to Pentonville. Ah yes, the infamous Judge Carroll and his terms of parole still loom large.

Desperation Leads Brook and Lisa to Play With Pills

If there was a lesson in today's General Hospital, it's that desperate women and pharmaceuticals just don't mix. Brook, on the verge of a one-way ticket back to Bensonhurst and thisclose to cashing in big courtesy of Carly, continues to pump Dante with beer laced with pills as a sure way to get him into bed. Honestly, I was really uncomfortable watching this whole thing unfold, and if Coleman hadn't shown up when he did, I think I would have fast-forwarded through much of it. (I'm sorry, I simply cannot fast-forward through Coleman, no matter what kind of crazy is going on around him).

General Hospital Travels Back to the Present, Brings Brenda Along

Just in case you happened to miss a promo or ten on ABC, it was finally "B Day" on General Hospital today ... that's right, the big return of Brenda Barrett! As these much-hyped returns usually go, I didn't expect to see much of her today, figuring we'd catch a glimpse of her at the very end. And aside from various shots of the back of her head throughout the episode, that's exactly what we got.

Post-Francofrenia: Today's General Hospital Brought to You by Ambien

I know we've had a lot of excitement in Port Charles lately--deadly performance art, a raging Warren Bauer, a stolen baby, a drag queen-rendition of "Mad World"--the list is endless. So we probably all need a little downtime in The Chuckles, right? But today's episode was so "down," it probably should have been sponsored by Ambien, because it nearly put me to sleep. And that was even with the supply closet sex!

The Buzz About Aiden Alexisomething Cassadine

So are they really going to call this kid Buzz? Because for the record, I'm not on board with that. Regardless, much to my boredom, little Buzzby dominated today's episode as we led up to his much anticipated, well, buzz-napping. (OK, I'll stop now. Or, at least, I'll try.)

I Want to Go to a Concert in the Park With Lucky

If you're a regular reader of my blog, you already know that I adore Jonathan Jackson's Lucky. And after what the poor man endured at the hands of his fiance and brother, I want nothing more than the handsome cop to find himself a good woman. Right now, it seems as if both Claire and Maxie have captured Officer Hottie's attention. I know I just said in yesterday's recap how much I enjoyed Lucky and Claire's scenes together at the PCPD, but today's scenes with Lucky and Maxie gave those some serious competition.

The Love Doctor Is in at Casa de Stone Cold

Our favorite furloughed prisoner, Jason Morgan, was in high demand on today's General Hospital. Essentially in exchange for letting a wanted serial killer drop off some Chinese food and casually stroll out the door, Sam got a night of some hot lovin' with Pentonville's finest. Hmm, I wonder what's hotter ... "conjugal visit" sex or "I let a serial killer go just to be with you" sex. I'm assuming the latter since the reunited couple even had to banish roomie Spinelli out of the penthouse for the night.

Franco Gets His Kicks on Country Road 66

Franco moved into some new digs on Friday's episode of General Hospital, which we later found out is the old Lockland Mansion on Country Road 66--apparently a lucky number of sorts for the artist (he also gave Maxie 66 red roses). After clearing away some dead leaves and debris, Franco quickly set out to make the place his own with some high-end interior decorating, spray-painting his signature "CO77X" on the wall and propping up his assistant Leonardo (yes, he named the toy monkey and gave him a position in the Franco administration) on the mantle.

Did Today Mark the End of Spixie and Jolivia?

So much to talk about in Port Charles today. For starters, Maxie found herself kissing almost everyone except for poor non-husband Spinelli. I use to love this couple back in the day, but I'm thinking it's time to put a fork in them ... they're done. After spying Matt kissing Maxie on her couch, Spinelli quietly limped away, clearly a man defeated and no longer with an ounce of passion for anything that doesn't start with "Stone" and end in "Cold." As far as Matt's concerned, I'm not quite sure why he continues to be used by Maxie, when she's stated in very clear terms that that's exactly what she's doing in order to make the man she truly loves jealous, but obviously he sees something real beneath the surface of her scheming. But again, is Matt really going to fulfill Maxie's "bad boy" needs?

While Fireworks May Have Exploded in Your Town, Bombs Exploded in Port Charles

While the rest of us were thinking about time off from work, BBQs with family and friends, and other 4th of July festivities, the residents of Port Charles had much more explosive issues on their minds than breaking out their lawn chairs for the local fireworks display. Kristina set out to put her mother of all daddy issues revenge plot into motion, arriving at Johnny's penthouse while the mob prince and Olivia were mid-Merlot.

Goodbye Luke, Hello Franco

Ah, the return of Franco. I've been looking forward to it for weeks now, although it didn't seem to have quite the same build-up as it did the last time around. Maybe it was just because "Mad World" didn't play on a continuous loop for weeks leading up to today. We actually saw a lot more of Franco on his first day back than I thought we would. In fact, he opened the show, in his now-standard homeless guy disguise. Since Franco is a man of only a few disguises, it might be wise at this point for the Port Charles PD to issue a statement to the town's residents: "If you see a hot, young homeless guy, he's most likely this world-famous artist/serial killer we've been searching for."

It's Bensonhurst Vs. Bensonhurst as Olivia and Connie Throw Down

It's been an extra busy week at work, and I missed yesterday's episode of General Hospital. So while I had read about Patrick and Lisa kissing a couple weeks ago, I missed everything yesterday that lead up to it actually happening. I wasn't happy at all about this development. While I'll be the first to admit that I'm simply not a Robin fan (never have been), there are aspects of Robin and Patrick's relationship that I appreciate. I think it's a very real-to-life relationship, relatively speaking, as far as soap couples go (not like some where, say, each party is on their 11th marriage), so it makes it even harder to see one cheat on the other. Also, I never really saw the character of Lisa as anything more than a ploy to cause conflict in Robin and Patrick's marriage after they resolved Robin's postpartum depression and the couple was seemingly beginning to live happily ever after. I never felt any kind of real chemistry between Patrick and Lisa; it all just seemed forced upon us by the writers.